Before You Leave: A Romance Novel Read online

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  Taking a breath in to reach deep inside my lungs I slowly let it out again. Feeling much calmer sitting on a rock overlooking the clear blue ocean. The surface is like glass, so still and yet underneath the little fish dart back and forth at speed. The path I took here was over grown and I only found it by taking the wrong route to the harbour, but I am glad I did. The fish’s movements reflect the way I have been feeling, calm on the exterior but my mind never still.

  Pulling my knees up towards my chest, I hug them while staring at my new tiny friends. How amazing it is when they follow each other in their swirls and swim in unison. With the sun starting to set they move fast before a rock from behind me falls in with a splash, dispersing them in a flash.

  I look back to see if any more small rocks are loose and I am met with a pair of grey sneakers. I get up a little startled, brush down my shorts from the dust from the stones and start to walk away.

  “Hey don’t leave. I didn’t mean to scare you off.” Kieran calls out to me but I keep walking. I am in no mood to make small conversation, annoyed that he has disturbed me.

  “Wait up, I’ll walk you back.” He says with a touch of his city accent.

  “I can walk back myself, thank you.” I shout back over my shoulder without stopping.

  “No seriously, I’ll walk with you. You could get lost on this track.”

  “I’m fine Kieran. I found my way here, I’ll find my way back.” I lie hoping to find the path I took earlier.

  Catching up to me, Kieran holds onto my arm to stop me from walking any further, turning me to face him at the same time.

  “I’m not trying to be smart and I have no idea how you found this place but the way back can be a little tricky. You will need help.”

  “Is this like a sacred place or something?” I ask a little bit snarky.

  “It is mine.” Kieran looks down at me, easily towering me by six inches. His eyes are darker than the sea that I feel like I am drowning in them.

  A depth of many oceans.

  Quickly he blinks away like I can see something I shouldn’t.

  “Come, I know a short cut but it means a bit of a climb. Is that ok with you?”

  I nod and let him take the lead across the rocks not wanting to get lost. Letting him take my hand when the climb becomes uneven or slippery from the tide starting to come in. By the time we reach the path that I recognise, the sun has started to go down behind the horizon. Sounding a little out of breath I feel refreshed from the strenuous task.

  “I did say you needed help getting out from there.” Kieran says looking very much smug with himself.

  “That you did, thank you.”

  “Now I think you need a drink. There is a little bar just across the road.”

  “I should get back.” I tell him although I don’t really know what I want to do.

  “You should but you also need to have a cold drink after that bit of a climb. Look we can sit outside so you can enjoy the sun setting.”

  “One quick drink and then I had better go.”

  “Deal.” Smiling Kieran takes my hand and crosses the road. I follow his lead and I don’t know why, but I don’t take my hand away until we are seated.

  Kieran orders in Spanish to the young dark haired waitress and I listen to the way his tongue rolls off the words like he is a native. It is beautiful to my ears.

  We sit in silence and take in the view while we wait for the young girls return. This small pub is beautiful and there is enough room on the path for two sets of small tables, both housing two chairs each. The wall behind me is decorated with patterned tiles that I have seen in other places on my walk into town earlier. Sitting in my seat I watch the harbour and the yachts not far from us and think how lovely it would to escape life and disappear in one of them right now.

  It is when the drinks are placed in front of us that I get the delightful smell of fish wafting through the air and my stomach makes a sound.

  “When was the last time you ate?” Kieran asks me and I place my arm across my stomach to dull the noise.

  “Earlier, in the cafe.” I confess.

  “That was hours ago. Hold on I’ll be back in a second.” Kieran scrapes back his chair and manoeuvres his long muscly legs from the small table, disappearing in the darkness of the bar. I take a sip of my iced cool drink and a feeling of not belonging consumes me. I shouldn’t be enjoying the sound of the water coming in to the marina and sloshing up the sides of the boats making them rock. But my legs feel heavy and tired of running away. Sitting here I’m at peace, dreaming of boarding one of those yachts, sailing away from the noise and loneliness that consumes me.

  “Here we are.” The large ceramic dish is placed on the table, practically taking over the whole space. Following behind Kieran is the server, the young woman who served us our drinks and barely out of her teens with the most beautiful smiles and thick long black hair. She places two empty plates with forks on the table, balancing them on so they don’t fall. Kieran speaks in a language I know little about to the young girl and she giggles. I feel a pain in my chest, awkward that I am interrupting something; I look away back out to the sea of dreams.

  “I’ll be the server tonight, pass me your plate please madam.” Not yet taking his seat, I hold my plate up to him. Using the two large serving spoons he scoops up a portion that would be far too much for me.

  “Whoo stop it will over fill.” I tell him, holding my free hand up to indicate to halt.

  “Nonsense, you need every bit of that in you.”

  “Seriously Kieran, I don’t want to waste it.”

  “Hush, eat up, I can guarantee you will love the taste of this recipe. I am told this is the best place for paella.” He informs me with a wink.

  “Ok but I might not like it. I haven’t had fish for a long time.”

  “What! Do you not like fish?”

  “Oh I loved it,” I explain as he sits back down, watching me with curiosity. “I just chose not to eat it.”

  “Really? Would you like to tell me more?”

  “It’s a long story and I don’t want to bore you.” Taking my fork, I stab the prawn from the top and put it in my mouth so I didn’t have to explain any further. Closing my eyes I savour the delicious taste that is melting on my tongue and prickling my senses. I hold the prawn captured in my mouth and suck down to devour the juices escaping from its body. When no more can be drawn from it, I chew and swallow. Opening my eyes I’m startled to see Kieran with his mouth opened staring at me.

  “I have never heard anyone moan while eating a prawn.”

  “Excuse me?” I ask him, not sure what he is referring to.

  “You closed your eyes and moaned while eating that.”

  “Did I? Oh god I am sorry. It just tasted so good.”

  “Oh don’t apologise, I enjoyed watching you eat. When was the last time you ate fish, did you say?”

  I could feel the rush of blood on my cheeks and take a drink to cool me down.

  “I didn’t but it has been far too long.”

  “You’re not going to tell me are you?” He lets out a sigh and turns his attention to his food falling silent again.

  I lick my plate clean, well as clean as a fork and the spoon I asked for could make it and my stomach is happy that I did too. The dish tasted amazing and Kieran was right, I did need every bit of it. But the sun is now long gone and guilty feeling returns. The painful truth that I shouldn’t be sitting with a stranger, enjoying food that Ryan could never eat and relaxed in the company of a good-looking man. This is wrong, so wrong on every level. I’ve got to leave.

  Pushing my chair back, the silence that had comfortably fallen between us is broken. Leaving Kieran looking bewildered, I rush into the bar and up to the counter.

  “Excuse me, excuse me.” I call in hope my English is understood.

  “Yes, Senora.” The young girl that helped Kieran bring out the dish earlier answers.

  “I would like to pay
for the meal please.”

  “No. no pay.”

  “But I must. It was delicious.”

  “No my Kieran paid. He got the food.”

  “Oh, ok thank you.” I walk back out with my head down feeling embarrassed he paid for me. Kieran stands at the door and stops me in my tracks.

  “You alright? You didn’t have to rush to the bathroom because of the fish, did you?”

  “No I would’ve liked to pay my way though. Look I’d better get back now, the girls will be worried.”

  “I’ll walk with you. You’ve gone really pale. Are you sure you’re not allergic to fish?” Kieran tries to take my arm to guide me, but all that is going around my head is the way the young girl said my Kieran. Who is this man that has a young girl falling at his feet calling him that? The unsettled feeling in my stomach increases at the thought of me having food with this guy and the guilt that he isn’t Ryan is over powering. I can’t believe I let myself to be taken along with probably the islands stud. Sarah will kill me if she finds out.

  Pushing past his outstretched hand, I start running. My sandals hit off the ground and slide off my feet. I stop for a mere second to remove them and look back. Thank god he isn’t following. I bet he has gone back inside laughing at his failed quest. The tears start streaming down my face. Why did I even agree to eat fish? Shit I haven’t eaten that since my first kiss with Ryan. It now feels so wrong. Taking the steep steps leading to the apartment in great speed takes my breath away. Bending over I hold onto the low granite wall and pant, wishing I had a bottle of water with me after all. The retch comes from my toes all the way up through my stomach and onto the floor.

  And then another.

  And another.

  By the time Sarah finds me in the dark, I am still retching and in a mess. Sweat pours down my brow and my hair is stuck to the sides of my face. All I can hear, above the ringing in my ears, is Sarah’s frantic voice. Demanding to know what is wrong with me and who left me in such a state, but I’m unable to talk. My head is bursting with so much pain that it is impossible for me to speak.

  Leading with her arm around me for support, back to the apartment, she directs me straight into the shower. Turning the dial she undresses me and drops my clothes onto the floor. Guiding me under the water she quickly washes my exhausted body while I stand shivering as she does so. Wrapping me in a coarse towel from the rack, Sarah then takes me into her bedroom, dries me off before dressing me in Ryan’s t-shirt she must have retrieved at some point while I stood in the room. Tucking me up in her bed Sarah wraps herself in a sheet on a chair and curls up. I don’t remember falling asleep but when I wake during the night feeling nauseous, I notice Sarah’s still here. For the rest of the night I twist and turn unable to settle in the heat. Sarah doesn’t move from her chair while I try and close my eyes to steer the hurt away.

  Sometime in the early morning I must have gone into a dreamless sleep. Waking up to the smell of coffee and toast. The pain in my head and the sick feeling in my stomach, seem to have eased enough that I am able to sit up in the bed, noticing the chair Sarah slept on during the night is empty. Left on the side table is my breakfast.

  Even though my stomach is churning a little, I know I must try and eat something to settle it after last night.

  Oh god last night. Only now it’s coming back much clearer. What an idiot I am to be somewhere on my own with Kieran, who I know nothing about. What the hell was I thinking? Of course, I wasn’t thinking, I got carried away by his generosity, the kindness he showed and yet he probably thought of me as a lonely, sad woman that would be a good candidate for a summer fling, a notch on his bedpost.

  And the fish.

  The taste just melted in my mouth, until I left it on the floor on the steps that is. The thought of him having some kind of thing with the young dark haired girl in the bar didn’t help either. Thank god he didn’t follow me. There is no way I can tell Sarah where I was, she didn’t ask me any more questions last night but the disappointment was written all over her face.

  I nibble on the edge of the toast and sink back down into the bed, wanting to hide under the cover for the day.

  I shouldn’t be here.

  The voices coming from beyond the door grow louder. Sarah and Abigail must be having a conversation with somebody else, as it isn’t like them to shout at each other. Sliding out of the bed, I stand by the door and open it a little bit. Peeking out I can just see the figures of the both of them. Abigail’s arms are flying around as her voice grows volume.

  “I told you it was a bad idea bringing her along. She’s a mess.”

  “Shush keep your voice down.”

  “Why? So Ms up-her-own-arse can sleep in?”

  “No you know why.”

  “How much longer is she going to use Ryan as an excuse for not living? She isn’t the only one suffering.”

  “Will you shut up? She will hear you.”

  “Fuck sake, I really don’t give a flying fuck right now. Does she not know how upset you were looking for her? Not even a note to say where she had gone when we woke up. Just up and left. Once again thinking of herself. Well I’m sick of it. This is my break too. I need this as much as she does.”

  “I know, I know but she is hurting.”

  “So am I.”

  Walking away from the door, I crawl back into bed pull the sheet over my head and let the tears stream down my cheeks.

  I only leave the room to use the bathroom and get a drink of water, avoiding any conversation with either of them. Sarah pops in and out to leave food next to me but I eat nothing after the toast this morning and stay under the sheets. My head is full of what’s, whys and anger. Angry at the world and how it has left me being a horrible, miserable person that even my friends no longer can put up with me. Poor Abigail, how could I not take her feelings in all of this? She was Ryan’s partner in the business; she did have to practically start all over again when he died. His half of the business was left to his mother who wanted to be active in her role, but in the end Abigail bought her out. I remember hearing that Abigail couldn’t cope with anything to do with Ryan around her at that time. Yet she still kept the business going, she still had to get up each morning and work, smile at the customers and take on new staff. What was I doing?

  Moping, crying and being the dead one around the place.

  Before the sun rose the next day, I get out of Sarah’s bed and sneak into the bathroom. The shower’s welcoming and the water feels like it’s waking me up at last. Dressing in my bikini I grab a clean towel, leaving a quick note by the kettle and slide out the door. Passing Sarah sleeping on my pull out bed in dreamland.

  The water looks so still with the sun only just starting to reflect off the surface of the swimming pool. Sitting on the edge, I leave the towel on the tiles and slide in.

  The cold hits me with a force but I ignore it and swim under to acclimatise my body. With each stroke I stretch my limbs, wakening them up from their slumber. After my eighth lap, I stop to take a breather. I’m not alone and start to make my way out of the pool wanting to avoid Kieran sitting there with his legs hanging over the side gently making a ripple in the water.

  “You’re alive then?” He asks as I wrap the towel around myself to leave.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I called round yesterday but your friends said you were sick. I hope it wasn’t the fish you ate?”

  “No it probably was the company. Please excuse me but I need to get my breakfast.” I snap at him while storming pass him, trying to be careful not to slip on the wet tiles.

  “Ok, as you wish.” Kieran answers as he slips his bare feet out of the pool, “Look, I came round yesterday because I was concerned. You just left without any explanation.” He continues loud enough for me to hear him, stopping me in my tracks to face him.

  “I didn’t think I needed one.” I tell him annoyed with the games he seems to enjoy playing.

  “What are you talking about? Is this because I pai
d for the food?”

  I hold the towel tighter with my hand. Taking a breath in before I force myself to start taking control of my life again. Starting with Kieran.

  “I am not, nor will I ever be, a holiday romance or someone to add to your collection.” I spit back at him while I dap my finger in his direction.

  “Whoa.” Kieran holds his hand up in front of him. “What gave you that idea?”

  “Your friend inside the bar.”

  “My friend. You mean Izzie?”

  “If that is her name, yes.”

  “Izzie is my cousin. What did she say to you?” He asks, looking a little more relaxed.

  “Your cousin?” I shake my head trying to take in what he said.

  “Yes. I know we don’t look alike but she was born here. Our fathers are brothers.”

  “Oh. My mistake, I’m sorry.” Feeling foolish for jumping to conclusions, I fold my arms across my chest, securing the towel.

  “No I’m sorry. I should have introduced you to her when I ordered our drinks. Look, how about I make it up to you and take you to a part of the island that isn’t known to tourists.”

  “All of us?”

  “No just you.”

  “And what am I going to say to Sarah and Abigail. I can’t just go off with you on my own.”

  “Let me talk to them. I’ll come back at lunch time today and pick you up.”

  “But...”

  “No buts, and I promise I only want to make you smile. Nothing else.”

  I have no idea why but I agree. The thought of being in his company without any pressure or any reminder of Ryan is what I think I need today.

  This is meant to be the start of my new life.

  Even if I don’t really believe it.

  Sarah was already in the kitchen making her coffee when I arrive back in. As I walk through the sliding door, she comes out of the kitchen area and wraps her arms around pulling me close for a hug.