Before You Leave: A Romance Novel Read online

  Sarah links her arms with mine and shimmies down the aisle to depart. Abigail brings her own bag and mine down from the overhead compartment behind us. Sarah, not giving a damn whose ankles she is hitting with hers, keeps my jellied legs moving at a steady pace. The stewardess at the door gives us a look of distaste as we leave. I’m sure she presumes that I have to be nearly dragged off the plane because I’m drunk and she’s half right. But Sarah knew it would be the only way that she could get me to sit still and not cause a fuss.

  Waiting at the top of the stairs, Sarah steps back to allow Abigail to leave the plane to the annoyance of some passengers. The look she throws them sends a silent warning to keep their mouths shut. Abigail picks up both cases by the handle and starts the descent down.

  Followed by my weak legs, holding on to the railing I try and steady myself, knowing I have no option but to keep going down. From behind I can hear Sarah’s light tone changing into one of annoyance.

  “For feck’s sake, have some patience. She is nearly half way down. Will you just wait? No she is not drunk, you are though. I can smell it. Hey hold on I’m next to go down, don’t barge past you arsehole.”

  No holding on the hot metal railing is going to keep me from falling as my legs turn to jelly and give way. The sighs and gasps leaving the aircraft from the holidaymakers behind me echo in my ear as I close my eyes tight and wait for thump as I fall. I pass out before the impact happens.

  The cool air blowing on me from the air-conditioned lounge is welcoming. My head still fuzzy from my fall, gently I am seated and handed a bottle of water, ice cold to the touch. I try to bring everything back into view and work out my surroundings but the ringing in my ears is still there. Leaning forward onto my legs I lower my head to help bring the flow of blood back round my body. Something I used to do when I was a child when the heat affected me back then. Holding the water bottle on my forehead, I start to cool.

  “Sorry, it’s not an unopened one and I’ve been drinking out of it, but it might help.” A deep voice states beside me.

  Feeling a little out of sorts sitting this close to a stranger, I gingerly look sideward away from him and start to right myself. Unscrewing the cap, I wipe the top of the bottle and gulp back the icy cold water desperately needing it to quench my overpowering thirst. The liquid slides down the back of my throat and is so welcome that I emptying the bottle before I remove it from my lips.

  “Wow you’re thirsty, it must have been the sun that made you dizzy. Luckily I spotted the signs. I had to push past some mad woman on the stairs stopping anyone from departing to get to you.”

  “I think you might find that was me.” Sarah’s voice bellows from close by. “What do you think you’re playing at, pushing through me and kidnapping my friend here? She doesn’t need you to rescue her. She has us.”

  Sarah comes into my view with her hands on her hips with Abigail trailing behind her, both looking hot and flustered in, I presume, their run to get here.

  “I thought I was helping?” The man confesses to Sarah next to me, not backing down from her. “The quicker your friend was out of the sun the better, don’t you think? At least until she has had a decent meal.”

  Sarah stands with her mouth opened. Not being able to throw any of her smart comments back to counteract his remark. “Well at least she is looking better; the colour has started to reach back to her cheeks. I guess I’d better make my move now you ladies are here.” I can feel him fidgeting in his seat eager to leave.

  “Yes you had.” Abigail pipes up, defending Sarah and throwing me a distained look.

  Out of politeness, I hold my hand out to shake his across my chest even though I don’t feel ready to look at him. My father taught me something years ago, and that is that manners cost nothing. As he wraps his hand I can feel him trying to get me to face him but I just can’t, it just doesn’t feel right. My mouth all of a sudden is like it has been glued together and the words I want to say are stuck behind my lips, swishing around inside, until they are spoken for me.

  “Shaking hands is her way of saying thank you, she is a little old school about that kind of thing.” Sarah intercepts, “Come on Julia, let’s get you out of here and in to a taxi.”

  I attempt to slide my hand out of his as I stand. The unknown man slightly squeezes my hand, nothing strong but just enough for the faint ghost touch to remain with me for a few moments.

  “Here take this,” he says in a soft tone, as he stands close beside me, I keep my eyes focused on the floor so not to see empathy on his face. Watching his long thick fingers take out a card from his brown worn leather wallet I notice he is tanned already. As he hands it over to me, Sarah intervenes and takes it from him before I get a chance to receive it. “If you are stuck on this island or lost, just call. I know this place pretty well.” He explains to Sarah as she takes my arm to steer me away from his presence.

  “Thank you, but I think we have it pretty much covered, we’re quite capable women, you know.” She scorns him.

  “I don’t doubt that for a second.” He replies while she shoves the card into her handbag and then takes the handle of her case with her free hand. “Now, are you ready ladies to start this holiday properly?”

  “About time!” Abigail chips in. I don’t say anything and although I’m feeling light headed, I take my suitcase from her before I the overwhelming urge to turn towards the man who caught me from falling to say thank you again, properly, but as I do he’s already walking away towards the exit and all I see are his blue jeaned legs leaving quickly. The three of us walk close together and I lean on Sarah for support as we head the same way out of the arrivals building. I know the next few days’ will hard; I very much doubt that they will allow me to stay in bed for hours on my own like I am used too. The thought of being stuck here is starting to become my worst reality as the tablets and alcohol are leaving my system. I know they mean well but good god, I feel like I have been kidnapped. My plans for the future were to stay exactly how I was. Cooped up in our apartment with the smells and my memories of Ryan.

  It only takes a mere fifteen minutes in the air-conditioned taxi to reach the white washed small apartment complex we’re staying in. Sarah sat throughout the journey on one side of me keeping her arm linked with mine. I kept my eyes firmly shut throughout the ride and I could hear my breathing so clearly over their chatter. I let my mind wonder to what it would have been like if Ryan was with me, if he would be sitting on the back seat or would he have taken the front next to the driver, like he normally did. Would we be excited to see what this place has to offer?

  If I breathe really deeply I can just smell his aftershave from the memory I hold so close still lingering from the pillow this morning. I don’t ever want to let him fade. I hear about some people who say that even picturing a loved one is hard after a few years, I can’t let that happen. I want to him to live with me through my life. If we had gone on our honeymoon would it have been here I wonder. I can still hear him telling me he had it all sorted and no sexy dancing I did in front of him was going to make him tell me where we were booked. A complete surprise he said until we fell about on the bed laughing. I knew all his tickle spots, but he still wouldn’t tell me. The suitcase, now in the boot of the taxi, was the one he packed for me and had hidden out of my sight.

  Even after his funeral his family didn’t tell me where he had booked and I never asked. I don’t know who cancelled it or the wedding. I was too busy dying inside to care. The packed suitcase stayed in the back of the cupboard where he left it, until today.

  Sarah pays the taxi driver as I reluctantly slide out of the seat. Taking my own case I follow behind trailing my suitcase at a much slower pace and wheel it towards the double half glass doors at the entrance of the complex. My legs are weighed down with worry. I can only guess why Sarah wanted to bring me here and if I had known this morning where I would be standing right now, I would never have answered the phone or the door. I would have left Sarah banging her fist, ca
using a scene while I drowned out her cries hidden underneath the duvet.

  Abigail retrieves a set of keys from a security box; I think I heard them talk about the code being sent during our brief ride here while my thoughts were elsewhere. It only takes two wrong keys to find the right one from the bunch and Abigail opens the entrance door onto a wide-open space hidden from the outside view.

  I use my hand to shield my eyes from the bright sun that is shining on us. Is this what Ryan saw in his last moments? Blurred, outlined silhouettes moving against the sun. Did he shield his eyes too, to try and adjust his view before that horrid moment?

  “Julia, here put these on.” Sarah presses a pair of sunglasses into my hand and snaps my thoughts back to where I am.

  “Thanks Sarah.” I mumble as I cover my eyes with them. They must be one of her good pairs as the filter is perfect and the day looks darker. I make a mental note to ask where she got them from so I can buy a pair to use at home. Glasses that I can stay in the dark behind all year round. Perfect for my mother to stop seeing how sad my eyes are and perfect to cry behind.

  “Come on girls, our holiday in paradise has officially begun! Last one by the pool has to buy the first round of drinks.” Sarah cries out as she drags her case behind her and runs past the pool and towards the patio doors of the apartment block.

  Abigail follows, laughing as her case wobbles on one of the tiles as she tries to keep up with Sarah.

  I stay put.

  Julia, I tell myself, please just make do for the next few days. You have no choice but to stay. Sarah is your best friend that you love with all your heart. She only is trying to make you smile, not to forget. For her just live while you are here. Even if all I do is stay in the pool or sun lounger, you can cover yourself with a big hat to block out the sun. You. Can. Do. This.

  Dragging the case behind me, I slowly follow the route the girls both took. Three doors down from the pool, there is a sliding door open and a fit of laughter coming from within. Without even entering, I know this is our place. Although I haven’t heard anyone this happy for a long while, I would recognise Sarah’s giggles anywhere.

  As I enter, the cool breeze from the ceiling fan hits me first and then the silence.

  Both of them wait until I enter before Sarah slides the door close behind me.

  “Right,” she says while looking at Abigail, “we have rules.”

  “Excuse me.” Not sure if she is actually talking to me or not, “rules about what?”

  I take the nearest seat underneath the cooling fan. Feeling a whooshing of bile swimming around my stomach yet again.

  “Rules for you Julia, and before you try and walk out we just want you to know these few days are because I love you and we care.”

  Sarah kneels down beside me and reaches for my hand. Her glasses still perched on the top of my nose.

  Her tone changes into one of a caring and sympathetic bystander. One that I’ve heard many times in the first few months by any person that happened to cross my path. The same tone that now is replaced with annoyance for not getting on with my life.

  My boss was very clever at using the sympathy voice until I announced that I couldn’t face working there anymore. It all just got too much.

  “Julia, just for the next few days, we want you to be the Julia I remember, the one Abigail has gotten to know. The one who loved the sun and life? Do you remember her? All of the holidays we went on together, you and me. Can you do that?”

  Sarah looks back at Abigail, who has already started to make her way towards us. I know they mean well, I really do but to forget Ryan for a few days is near impossible.

  “Julia, let’s take it a day at a time. I have an idea.” I look up at Abigail through the dark lens. I know she is unable to see if I am looking directly but it doesn’t bother me.

  “For now, shall we just pretend Ryan is on a business trip away? He always wanted you to stay with Sarah when he was. And then you can go back to your life after this, however you want to live it, but while we are here, we want to have a good time, this is our holiday too. Can you at least try for Sarah?”

  But he isn’t on a business trip and he won’t be there when I go home. I want to shout at them both. Our home has him still in there though and that is what I am missing. His presence is like a ghost throughout, filtering through every room. Every morning I dab his aftershave onto my neck, in the places he used to kiss before we parted for the day. That is what I want to go back too. Being surrounded by him.

  I lie like I have been doing lately to give what people want to hear, and nod to let them know that I can do this for the next few days. I will try my best to act like Ryan is on a business trip and we have headed to the sun to top up our tans. Both girls have a look of relief as I plaster on a fake smile.

  “Well come on then, let’s get ready for the pool. Don’t know about you two but I am sweating buckets from this heat.”

  Sarah scrambles towards the back of the apartment and Abigail turns left into what I can guess is another room. As the last one in, I’m not too sure if there is even another room for me. When Sarah and I went away before, we would take turns in the one bedroom with the other on the sofa bed. I am guessing that is where I am to be. I pull my suitcase closer to me as I sit down on the edge of the dark blue three-seater sofa. I lay it down on the floor in from of my shoed feet and lean over it. My fingers start to tremble as I catch the zip. In my mind I know what is inside is not what was packed nearly a year ago, but my heart that is pumping through my chest, doesn’t believe me. If I am to play the game, I have to go and sit by the pool with the other two.

  Holding onto the zip I rub it between my sweaty fingers. I count to three before swiping the teeth open with a force and throw back the lid, the entire time keeping my eyes firmly shut and my breath held. I don’t want to look what is inside and the odour from where it has been stuck in my wardrobe in the dark, reaches my nostrils. My stomach starts to tell me that it doesn’t like what it can smell. Musty, mixed with the scent of home, of Ryan. A distant very faint Ryan, but him never the less. Gradually I start to open my eyes before the Sarah comes and catches me breaking rule number one or all of them set out for me this week. Thankfully neither of them seem to be quick dressers and probably have packed more than one swimsuit to choose from giving me the space I need.

  The case is full with clothes that I haven’t needed to wear for a long time and probably ones I wouldn’t have packed myself if I were able, preferring to keep my body covered. Cautiously I use my finger to push them around and search for the item I know Sarah would have packed in first. Under a flowery flimsy dress is the pale blue bikini I wore the last time we both ventured away. As I pull it from underneath the other stuffed in clothes, some a complete waste of suitcase space, it now looks like it is mocking me. Daring me to put it on and go and have fun.

  As my eyes start to well up, I hear the handle of one of the doors being opened. With the back of my hand I wipe away the moisture that is now trying to leak from the corner of my eye and start striping out of my oversized top and skirt that Sarah had handed to me earlier. Kicking off my white pumps I manage to pull on the bikini bottoms as Abigail enters the room.

  “Well what do you think? My diet seems to have gone askew but feck it. I love my curves too much and look at these babies.” Pushing together her well amble breasts and jingling them up and down, Abigail pouts her lips.

  “You look gorgeous. I love the ruby colour of your two-piece. Is it new?” I ask as I tie the back of my stringed top together, hooking the halter neck over my head.

  “No I wore it last time I…..” Abigail stops midsentence and we both pause as we look at each other.

  “It’s ok Abigail if you went on holiday last year. I only wished I did too.”

  “No, no I didn’t go away last year. Just something I picked up in the sales. Shall we head to the pool before Sarah arrives with the full set up on, she could be ages yet?”

  Holding the side of th
e bikini bottoms to stop them for gapping I can hear the gasp from Abigail and I know why but don’t look her way.

  “Julia, I’ll just grab a safety pin out of my bag. I always keep some in there for emergencies.”

  When she returns she holds the side of the fabric and pinches it together to tighten the waistband. Threading the sharp edge through one end to the other and fastening it. Once she has finished, I let go and thankfully the pin has worked. Abigail grabs a bottle of sun cream from a bag on the counter and as she leads; we head out of the sliding door.

  Even with the midday sun already passed, the air is still hot and as we reach the pool where others have already taken their places on the sun loungers. By look of them, have been there for some time. I can’t recall seeing them when we arrived but from the way they are lounging they must have been here a while. I just didn’t notice.

  Abigail walks over to the pile of unused loungers and takes one, placing it around the blue clear water. I follow suit and place mine at arm’s length from hers to her left. Each seat already has a cushion on, stopping the burn of the plastic touching our pale bodies. I straddle mine and reach over to Abigail for the sun cream. Giving it a good shake before squeezing a blob onto the palm of my hand and start rubbing it in.

  Abigail lies down and places the sunglasses that she had perched on her head, over her eyes.